you know there are times when everything doesnt seem to go right,
and you really dont know what to do.

and im not even talking about things like sneaking into your parents' room in the middle of the night to steal some cash and they caught you doing it,
or even like not doing some shitface teacher's homework and they call up your parents,
or breaking this expensive vase in some antique shop and you dont exactly have the cash to pay for the breakages,
or even doing something to get your whole group of friends into shit and etc.

its about something absurd and caught you entirely offguard,
and the next thing you know nothing seems to go right,
and you really, as in really, dont know what to do.

its absurd and shocking/ jaw dropping and i dont even know how to describe it.

or maybe it isnt even that.

or maybe its just entirely weird and you just cant get over yourself.

or no.

maybe its just normal and you're just kicking up a big typhoon number 100 big fuss about it.
and fuss not whine whine fuss,
but making yourself feel like throwing up and nauseatic because you're basically feeling like shit, and you're so perplexed you dont even know what to do, and you just stone there because nothing ever seems to be right.

or maybe it isnt even that either.

but what the hell in the first place is considered normal?
what, no really what, cos i really want to know WHAT is normal.

but nobody can answer that because there's no right answer to that.

its not just differentiating right from wrong,
and the right being the normal.
because you'd never know that whether the right is always the normal.
it could have been the wrong thats been the normal one.

and its not just whats been happening all the time that's normal.
like oh, my dad drinks coffee every morning before work so that's normal that he's drinking that today as well.
no, that's not normal because why the hell is he drinking coffee every morning in the first place? and why does that make it normal?

maybe eventually there's nothing in this world that's normal at all.
maybe nothing is normal.

and then you go, "normal. n-o-r-m-a-l, normal. what normal."

because i really want to know.
what does n-o-r-m-a-l stand for?

maybe normal is just normal and im just making a big fuss out of it.

no, pardon me because i really dont know what ive been blogging about.
honest.

maybe im just traumatised, shell-shocked, disgusted, upset and so many other feelings all roll into one. maybe i just cant take so many feelings at once. maybe im just upset with myself. maybe im just feeling plain shit. maybe im just goddamn irritated. maybe im just being mad here.

its not even the basic insecurities or jealousy which can be easily solved.
its about something worse, some feeling even etched more deeply inside.
etched so blur you cant see what is it and all you know, is you feel something and that feeling is obviously not a good one.

do you get what i mean?
because i don't.

have you ever wondered why i always kidnap your stuffs?


like your club21 shirt, white shorts, school shorts, g-star arm band, some of your socks (i bet you didn't know you left them at my place), your top that im wearing today, and etc etc.

because i like the feeling of having a part of you with me, everywhere i go.
and i like the smell of you everywhere around me.
and i remember one of the rare nights that i slept so well was one night that i wore your club21 tshirt home with your smell still on it and i fell straight into a deep sleep with your clothes that smell of you.

but somehow it doesnt seem enough anymore.
because im feeling so empty and horrid here i don't know what to do.
and you must think im mad because im kicking up a big fuss over nothing.

but im never sane anyway.